well seeing as i never update this thing.. you can check out my livejournal...  i update that a little bit more often and you all can leave messages just leave you name in the subject or something so i know its you..lol... this xanga is just about offically shut down... lol...

later..

<33 mae....

http://www.livejournal.com/~b0wlx0fx0ranges

you will find the reasons why i cant sleep and you will still want me, but will you still want me?

have you ever just stepped back and noticed your whole world crashing down.. everythings falling and theres no way you can save it cuz you've lost hope in yourself. you just stand there and watch it all happen in a daze and dont do anything about it. all the buildings are falling around you and you just stand as still as a butterfly perched on a flower..

lets just say thats how i feel..

like a butterfly perched on a flower...


yea... its when you step back and relize your entire family is holding on by strings and every morning we just put on smiles and pretend we love each other.. its when i go to school everyday and tell everyone i'm happy when deep down i'm crying.. on the verge of breaking down.. or broking down already.. or its when you go to work and someone you work with is like you're so cheery on the phone.. and you smile and grin and says yes.. i put on my fake smile and come to work.. and they just laugh but inside you know its completely the truth.. its when your family would just be better falling apart rather than pretending everything is okay.. its when you can step back and relize that your father will always be a drunken drunk and your mother will always just put up with it and always just smile pretending everythings alright even tho its not.. at all.. or when your brother is a compulsive liar at the age of 12.. or when you find all the wrong ways to deal with pain.. thats when you know you're whole world is about to fall to pieces.. if it hasnt already.. thats when you know its just better off if you give in.. its just better off if you give up faith that someones out there that could fix it.. thats when you're better off just being done...



ehh.. i panicked tonight.. but what can you do when everythings like it is? and then when your parents pretend like they care.. i dont know.. i just panicked and i didnt know what to do.. i need someone i can talk to.. and not feel like i'm a complete burden to them cuz i feel like a complete burden.. like a complete waste of peoples time.. like i'm so annoying its not even funny..


i need to just sit down with someone who sincerly cares and talk.. not online not over the phone in person.. somewhere.. and cry and talk and cry some more.. i'm falling apart.. but i have no one to fall into and to help put me together..... help.....



<33 mae....

my mood    :     >>> lost in thoughts...

meh..

i've come to a discovery of me.. and like everything.. everyone.. i've relized who i miss... who i can live with out... and what i need... for me.. not anyone else..

 i need like someone i can call whenever i need to talk.. i dont have that.. i did.. i dont anymore.. i used to be able to call whenever i needed to.. i cant do that anymore.. thing is i can... its just pushing myself to make the phone call.. i want to i want to so bad.. but its just so hard.. i'm afraid to fall into a pit and not be able to climb out again.. its like do i take a chance and just fall forever.. or do i not take a chance and basically fall into myself.. breakdown.. because i'm getting close to break down state.. its kinda scary but only true...

i want to be able to not fall... or fall and have someone catch me.. i dont feel like anyone's there to catch me.. 

i'm just tired of all the fakes.. really tired of them... i wanna run back but it just seems like it'll be looked it so wrong.. but then again.. should i care? no i shouldnt but i guess its human nature... what else can you do?

anyways.. so i was talking to dan about how i just wanted to talk.. all night... to him.. he's like awesome.. he's dan.. and he was like we'll... we'll set up something! it makes me happy to know that maybe there is someone who might just give a care...  and i know i have people who care... but like sometimes.. i dont know if i do.. ehh.. who knows..

meh...:-/

<33 miss amy...